Replying to spam

24 Mar 2021

I don’t quite know where all the spam I get comes from. Most of it is the usual phallic enhancement stuff that goes straight into the junk folder without my even having to think about it, but occasionally, you get an absolute pearler that slips the net and comes through to the inbox proper. Today I received an email from one Fred Feild (sic), direct to my inbox. He was asking for help to buy his friend a birthday present, as the poor chap’s bank had rejected his bank card. Taking a leaf out of the book of James Vietch, I decided that I would reply. What follows is the chain of emails.

On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 16:00, Fred Feild wrote:

How are you doing today, I hope this email finds you well. I need an assistance from you, do you have an Amazon account?

Await your response  
Thank you, Fred

On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 16:36, Bill wrote:

Hi Fred,
Long time no see! How are you doing? Keeping safe during the pandemic I hope?
I do indeed have an Amazon account, what can I do for you?

Love and hugs,

On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 16:41, Fred Feild wrote:

Sounds good, I've been trying to purchase a $150 Google Play E-Gift card by email from Amazon, but it says they are having issues charging my card. I contacted my bank and they told me it would take a couple of days to get it sorted. I intend to buy it for a friend of mine who's having her birthday today. Can you purchase it from your end for me? I'll reimburse you once my bank sorts the issue out. I am just trying to put a smile on her face in this trying times. Let me know so i can send you her email address.

Await your response
Thank you, Fred

On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 16:52, Bill wrote:

Dear Fred,

Oh that's a shame, I normally find Amazon to be quite good, don't you? I suppose it's the banks that are the real problem! Down with that sort of thing, as I always say.
A birthday present, eh? That sounds delightful, how old is the birthday girl? I take it there's some kind of celebration going on? What are you going to be getting up to? To be frank, Fred, I find that gift cards are awfully impersonal types of presents. Particularly if you're going to be spending $150! Perhaps I could make some alternative suggestions?

All the best!
Your friend,

On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 16:58, Fred Feild wrote:

Thanks. What I need is $300 ($100 denomination. Three $100 cards total $300) you can buy from any store around you. I need you to scratch the back of the cards to reveal the pins, then take a snap shot of each card clear differently and bold of the back showing the pins and have them sent to me on my email also with the receipt of the Card.

How soon can you have it done Promise will def refund it as soon as am back.

Await your response
Thank you, Fred

On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 17:05, Bill wrote:

Dear Freddie,

I didn't realise you needed so much! I thought the birthday girl was just after $150. She's a lucky gal indeed to have such a generous friend as you.

However buying the cards in person is, I'm afraid, going to be quite out of the question. It's clear that you must not be receiving my tri-daily news-blasts (don't worry, I've added you back onto the mailing list so you don't get left out!), but I'm currently convalescing from the China virus. I still can't taste anything! But on the doctor's orders, I'm not to leave the house for at least another week.

That obviously doesn't gel with the time-frame that you're looking at here (really Freddie, you should be better prepared in future. Birthdays are only once a year, you know!), so perhaps we should look at the original plan of my buying a voucher on Amazon?

All the best, and my love to your ageing friend!


On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 17:17, Fred Feild wrote:

Glad you could help, her email address is(**REDACTED**) message I want is "Happy Birthday. You deserve the very best on this day". You can choose the balloon design for her and I'm just looking to send her a 150$ Sephora email gift card. Please let me know once you send it to her.

Await your response
Thank you, Fred

On Wed, 24 Mar 2021 at 17:34, Bill wrote:

Hi Fredegar,

I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of sending your friend an email wishing her a happy birthday myself. Spreading the joy and all that! This way I hope that she won't feel confused when she sees that the gift comes from my email address rather than yours! Will you explain to her about Amazon and the bank frustrating the gift-buying process? A person should not be confused on their birthday, and I wouldn't want for your friend to suffer from any worry!

I'm just choosing the card design now, but I'm not sure which one to pick. There are two "happy birthday" designs, and I really don't know which is best. Obviously you mention the balloons option, but I honestly find myself more drawn towards the confetti design. It's cleaner, somehow, don't you agree? Plus the balloons look more like lollipops in my opinion, and while they aren't necessarily unrelated to birthdays, you should know my opinions on sugar by now, Freddo! Then again, you know your friend better than I. Do you think she'll prefer the balloons or the confetti? I suppose if we wanted to go really wild, we could try the "congrats" design, which I think is particularly good-looking! Naturally it's not quite the same sentiment as "happy birthday," but she'll get the general gist, I'm sure. And after all, who wouldn't like fireworks on their birthday, eh? You remember the fun we had with fireworks at my birthday all those years ago, I'm sure ;) That poor crow never knew what hit it!

Let me know your thoughts about the design as soon as possible, won't you. I don't want for your friend to go without a present on this auspicious day! How old is she going to be, again?



Fred hasn’t emailed me back yet, but I do hope he does. I want to know what sort of party this friend of his had!

<< Older Post Newer Post >>